On the couch with Jasminda

Dear Jasminda,

“On the weekend, my partner and I went to a Murder Mystery Lunch. We have since decided that we would actually prefer to remain in character. Is it okay to do this indefinitely?

Cardinal Matteo Rossi.

Dear Cardinal,

I’m assuming that is your Murder Mystery name and not your current moniker and occupation.

Since I have no idea, from your conundrum, the role your partner-in-crime played, I will use a bit of artistic licence and call her Isabella Conti (a respected art dealer who may know the whereabouts of Caravaggio’s Nativity Scene).

Cardinal (may I call you Cardinal?), there is nothing wrong with a bit of role play to spice up a relationship, but I will preempt several issues moving forward, particularly if you share not only a marital home, but a marital bed.

Isabella would have very good reason to feel uncomfortable during a mutual defrocking, particularly given several real-life cardinals’ checkered pasts (not terribly arousing, Cardinal).

Then there is the matter of daily life.

I’m not sure Isabella Conti will cope with your excuse for refusing to mow the lawn: “I would ask that you show respect when I am in the midst of giving a homily”; getting home late, “in the grand scheme of things, the importance of mingling with laypeople at The Tavern cannot be overemphasised”; or packing the dishwasher, “Not now, Isabella, I have a diocesan plan to review.”

Equally, Isabella may find that her role as a fine arts dealer interferes with the quotidian side of life.

How will the extended family cope when Isabella is unable to babysit because she is immersed in Il Giornale dell’Arte?

How much longer will it take to do the gardening when she is gathering rocks, grass clippings and mulch, not to be useful, but to engage in the philosophy and practice of Arte Povera.

There is also the matter of the murder, Cardinal.

Will you ever be beyond suspicion? Will Isabella?

Once your secrets are revealed, will you be able to look at each other in the same way?

And finally, at the necessary conclusion of your extended characterisation (the family’s annual trip to Happy Campers Caravan Park), will Isabella be preconditioned (much like Pavlov’s Dog) to only find you attractive when you’re dressed in a scarlet cassock?

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.